At the 2014 IWSCA National Specialty, I participated in a conversation that unfortunately morphed into an incident, and I’ve been thinking for quite a while about how to write about it. When I came across a blog post by one of my favorite writers about dogs, I knew I had my opening.
PEOPLE ARE ANIMALS TOO. Remember the value of positive reinforcement? I’m often amazed at how quickly people forget to use PR as soon as they… start talking with a member of their own species… If you want to say something to someone about their [dog], you darn well better start with something good… I learned early on how defensive people can be about their dog.
From Trisha’s Blog (The Other End of the Leash website by Patricia McConnell – http://www.patriciamcconnell.com/theotherendoftheleash/how-to-talk-to-other-dog-owners)
So here’s what happened at the Specialty (* some of this I heard second hand)
- While waiting our turns in the Rally ring on Monday morning, and friend (Friend) and I both noticed a dog across the room. This dog had very straight stifles (sort of equivalent to the human knee), not curved as they should be. This gave the dog a very stiff-looking gait in the rear. It looked painful, and seeing this, my friend observed, “Watching that dog walk makes me hurt.”
- (*) The sister of the dog’s owner was passing by, and overheard our comments. She reported to her sister (Owner) that Friend had said, “That dog makes me want to hurl.”
- A few minutes later, I walked up to Owner, and offered unsolicited advice about trying chiropractic for her dog, saying that chiropractic had helped my dog a lot when he’d hurt his back.
- Tuesday night, after the last specialty event was over and people were pulling out of the parking lot, another club member (Member) approached Friend as she and I were just leaving, and scolded her for insulting the dog, saying that Owner had been so upset that she chose not to come to any more of the specialty events and was thinking about quitting the club. Friend tried to explain that she had not said what had been reported, nor had she meant any offense, and that had she been given the chance to explain and apologize in person, she certainly would have. Friend also asked for, and did not receive, Owner’s name or contact information.
- Late that night, I spoke privately to Member. We explained to each other what we’d each done and why. Since I didn’t know Owner’s name, I also asked Member to give Owner my email address and phone number, so that I could apologize also to Owner for giving unsolicited advice. (I don’t know if my contact info was passed on or not.)
- (*) Days later, Owner complained to the IWSCA’s President about Friend.
- (*) About the same time, Friend independently contacted the IWSCA’s President, explained the situation, and said she would be happy to apologize if given Owner’s name and contact information. The president supplied that info, and Friend sent Owner an email explaining and apologizing.
- (*) Owner replied, acknowledging the apology.
So sad, all this hurt and anger. And none of it had to happen.
But it did. And why? Because we all forgot about the power of positive reinforcement. None of us thought to start out our comments with something good and positive.
We also forgot something else. National specialty dog shows, even more than regular dog shows, are fraught events. As a dog trainer might put it, we spend a lot of time at specialties being “over threshold”. Not only are we generally defensive about our dogs, at specialties, we are also frequently nervous, envious, anxious, and generally hypersensitive.
This situation makes it even more important that we be careful to not only start out with the positive, but perhaps even to stay with just the positive.
So how could this all have been different? There were lots of chances to make it better, and all of us involved missed them.
- Both Friend and I could have said nothing at all in public that was even remotely less than positive about any dog. Or in this particular situation, we could have simply approached Owner, introduced ourselves, and just said something nice about her dog.
- Owner’s sister could have checked with Friend to make sure she really heard what she thought she heard.
- Owner could have approached Friend directly, explained how hurt she was, and asked for an apology.
- As soon as I noticed Member approaching us in the parking lot, I could have turned to greet her warmly to start our conversation on a positive note.
- Member could have asked for an explanation of Friend’s comments about Owner’s dog, rather than starting out with a scolding.
- Member could have introduced Owner to Friend directly, either in person or via email/phone, and urged a conversation.
Now, I don’t want to imply that the Specialty was all like this incident. It wasn’t. If you’ve read my previous posts about the specialty Obedience and Rally trials and the conformation show, then you’ll know that it was also filled with fun, generosity, and kindness.
It’s just that those positive qualities can so easily be overshadowed by incidents like this, and it’s up to us to practice on our fellow humans what we have learned from our dogs: positive reinforcements works.
Notes:
- Others who participated in, witnessed, or heard about this incident may remember it differently. They (and all of you) are welcome to comment on this post — I just hope that when commenting, you take my (and Patricia McConnell’s) observations to heart.
- If Patricia McConnell’s work doesn’t convince you, take a look at Amy Sutherland’s article “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage” (New York Times, June 25, 2006) and her book, What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage.
Patrice, cannot read your posts anymore…I do not have a password. Wendy Once you have had a wonderful dog, a life without one is a life diminished.” – Dean Koontz
All fixed now — I’ve removed the password protection.
Patrice, your post hit a couple of nails right on the head. At a performance event, people are often nervous and sensitive if they are waiting to go into the ring, and what may be an innocuous comment can sometimes be taken the wrong way.
But people, being people, do on occasion say the wrong thing. 🙂 But I think that when it happens it’s best to try and deal with the issue right then and there, because things can often fester and get worse if they are not dealt with right quickly. Often it is just a misunderstanding – why not try and clear it up at the moment it happens instead of letting hurt feelings continue?
This does happen to all of us. I once made what I thought was an innocuous comment that was taken as negative criticism. It was a distressing situation, but it also reinforced to me that it’s important that we try to always be conscious of what we say and to make it as positive and constructive as possible.
Jeremy
Sorry that this situation occurred;however, an important reminder to be extremely careful!